i wonder if i have an entry that has the same title as this.. hmm.. nvm.. just a thought..

life is soo unfair.

everyone is hooking up. except me. im breaking up, more like it. i dun have anyone anymore. i lost nick. and now i've lost kennedy as well. i dunno whose fault it is but i just think that it's gonna be over. maybe it's just me. i can't handle him paying more attention to maya than to me. i mean it's like i haven't seen him in a long time and already i couldn't see him last sat cos i was on off. yet he was fooling ard with maya. to hear it from someone is one thing. to witness it for yourself is another. and all maya could do was hang around him even more. and whining to me that he's touching her. arrgghh. i hate this. i really hate this feeling. but i know i can't stop him. he wanna touch her, go ahead. stop touching me then. what really hurts is that i've been the one who treated him so well. and this is what i get. i don't really go an eye for an eye but over here, jealousy plays a big role. i guess all i can do is just to give up and that's it.

i really hate this. i already cried just now and even as i'm typing this, my tears are gonna flow as my heart shatters in the silence of the night.

hmm..

just felt like typing something.. might as well blog since i aint got anyone to chat with anyway..

now wad should i talk abt.. hmm.. ok here goes..

im still waiting to get an offer from nus or ntu.. seems like it's gonna be awhile since i didn't get oh-so-fabulous grades like others did so i think if they would even wanna consider me, i would be in their 3rd batch or something. so i got till the end of may to confirm my place in university. a part of me feels all excited to start studying again cos honestly, im tired of just working.. but another part of me feels all drenched and feeble, thinking abt all the essays that i have to start writing again, to be better in class and all that.. and money is a pretty big issue as well.. it's sure gonna cost a lot and i haven't saved a single cent so far. all i've done with my paychecks is shopping. but hey, at least im paying fer my own expenses now. i dun even ask from my mum. so i guess thats where the hole in the pocket comes in. and these few days, i just feel a need to spend a lil bit more, just to get a taste of luxury. apparently, ever since i started working here, i crave for anything luxurious. cos to even dine at my workplace, you need to have achieved some form of luxury cos it does cost a lot even without the charges. and it's like im filling up something missing in my life. cos i never did spend so much on a single meal or even in a single day. it's like it always need to be cheap fer me. but now i dun care so much abt that. in a way, it's gd cos i think of its worthiness more. but in a way, it's bad of course cos i spend more money now. and my pay doesn't seem to get any higher. sigh. and all the work that i do fer this restaurant.

the past 2 days have not been good.. and i know exactly how i feel this time..

empty.

it's like i don't have someone that i can tell everything to, even my deepest darkest secrets. i can only like share some with someone and share the remainin with another. thus, they wont exactly know the whole story, how im feeling and stuff. and it really hurts not to be able to do that. and every nite, i feel really lonely. and empty, like i just said. and that i have to cry myself to sleep. i really feel as if my heart is breaking into many more pieces. all i know is that i have no one. no one to listen and understand me. no one. im left with me. alone.

bar was ok. the only thing driving me nuts was the cocktails. and alan of course. haiz. and someone i feel as if im having an attraction towards guo wei. guess he's just the next best guy around if kennedy ah tan and marcus are not around. haha. anw im friggin tired. but i still wanna watch movies tomorrow. later i mean.

guess what? those 2 "lovebirds" must haf had a fight or something. cos they both changed their profile. no more their "till death do us apart" nonsense. and somehow shes not gonna be online anymore. oh well. i need to find out more. haha. im baaaaaad.

one thing's fer sure. im lookin fer someone. and i really havent found that someone yet.

just when you think that things can't get any worse.. it did..

i really can't think of a way to describe the way i'm feeling now..

jealous? lost? confused? or probably a mixture of everything..

i really thought things were going along fine with kennedy.. i mean especially after i sent that picture to him and all.. and he said that he's got attraction towards me and all.. but.. today, he was like going crazy fer these older girls.. in front of me.. how can i not feel a thing? especially when i've given him so much.. haiz.. i feel so used sometimes.. all he could do was write me a note asking me not to be angry.. sweet.. but not good enuf.. haiz.. so much fer attraction and all..

nick is driving me absolutely nuts.. i dunno wad hes up to.. think i should really give up on him.. let him be with her.. and if he's gonna beg me, i'll just say no.. haiz.. i hate this..

thankfully, things are ok between me and guo wei. oh well, life goes on..

had a great time working today.. was the cashier and doing most of the bar.. my 1st attempt at the singapore sling was terrible.. i didnt exactly follow the instructions so i ended up doing a fruit punch instead haha.. and i didnt even start on the frozen margarita.. cos i was too slow.. later i had to do a pina colada.. it was ok.. just that the alcohol was a lil too strong.. then came the 2nd singapore sling.. did a pretty gd job at it.. that they wanted another one!! wow!! was so proud of myself.. getting the hang of this... yippee!!! and i didnt cock up as much as i thought i would with the cashier.. thank gawd i knew what i was doing.. really gotta thank alan fer giving me a chance to practise.. cos that was all that i need..

fuck..

not only am i in a mess, i wanna cry too..

bad day at work..

but it's really not my fault.. dun fucking corrupt me, can?

y is my life like this..

sucks man..

i am...... alone.

im confused. honestly.

everytime i see couples cuddling happily in each other's arms, i go green with envy. and i havent been in anyone's arms fer like almost a yr. i only fell to the wrong arms every now and then. and that is not good. in fact, it's bad. haiz. seeing that i get so many requests from am, why izzit that i still dun haf a bf. oh wait, i do haf one. only problem is that i haf no idea where he is. or where he stands in my life. despite being missing in action fer the past 6mths and almost non-existent in the past weeks, he's now back saying that he loves me and wanna be with me, although he already has a gf. and he even made me promise that i'll wait fer him. well, yea i do love him and all. just how long do i have to wait? and is he worth waiting fer? before, i would readily say of course he's worth it, what more could a girl want. but now, i dunno wad to say. and there's still the issue of whether he is real or not. arrgghh. and the one thing is that im super pissed off about is that he met her!!! or at least, thats wad he said. and he's already known her fer like wad, a few weeks? and me, the girl he's been so-called in love with fer the past 6mths, he didnt meet. now tell me how is that fair in any possible way. oh and another thing, if he really love me so much, why is he still with her. im getting fed up seeing their love declarations over am and everyone congratulating them as if they're the couple of the yr or something. yadda yadda yadda. haiz.

kennedy is behaving strangely too. sure we are always hanging ard each other and stuff and enjoy each other's company. but is there anything more to it than just frens?? i dun wanna keep asking as if im desperate or something like that. but sometimes, i really dunno the answer to my own question. it's really hard u know. especially when he's seen half of me and i've seen well, all of him. there's a sexual attraction between us. but im more interested in the romantic connection between us, if any. and this is the question that im afraid to ask. afraid that he'll think im a bugger and will leave me even more lonely. he's already like my substitute boyfren. since nick isnt ard, i turn to him and stuff. something to hold on to. something to lean on. and sometimes, it does seem as if he does care abt me. and when i dun wanna do things, he wont force me to do it. thats something gd abt him. but all in all, he's got a gf. his dear. his love. he dun love me. and i hate to be the toy fer his pleasure. damn i dunno who to trust now. cos just now, he just asked me to send him a photo of myself. at best without any clothes on. i dun wanna be cheap. haiz.

and one more thing, sometimes i hate guo wei. i mean, really hate him. already he's taken advantage of me the other time and he still dare to talk to me like he aint got any respect fer me. fuck him la. fuck fuck fuck. i swear i'll get u one day. haiz.

hmm...

i dunno how to describe the way im feelin...

at least i've cleared my conscience... well, part of it at least....

and somehow he is back in my life... and this time, he's like really nice abt it and he didnt even scold me fer working at boat quay... and fer once, it seems like he understands me... finally... and it was like back to the old days, where he would be teasing me endlessly... and his sooo adorably cute laughter... haiz... but that was 2 days ago... we didnt get to talk much yesterday... and today, well, i didnt hear a thing frm him... and well, just reading his profile agn makes my stomach churn... (is that how the expression goes?)... i just get really pissed when i see ppl congratulatin him n her.. i mean, how sick can that be? when she claims she loves him soo much... when in reality, i'm the one who loved him more... i mean, i didnt go thru 6mths fer nothing... and so right now, im still giving him time.. cause he's gotta make a choice... but i really dunno how this is gonna go.... i just hope that he will see the better woman ie.me.. hehehe and that he will be a changed man...

work is all the same... though somehow im not lookin forward to work... cos im sooo tired.... i need a break... sigh.... life is incredibly boring... well, maybe i made it boring...

im gettin tired of kennedy. i mean, he cant even reply to a simple msg.. well if he's too tired at nite, he could reply it this morning or something rite.. at least something... but... all i got was nothing... and yet whenever he needs me to do something, i always fulfil it... be it 4d or toto or cigarettes, im always there fer him... even go all the way to accompany him to eat... but him??? well, i dun recall him offering such services to me.... need to teach him a lesson already... cos im not a dog... im only doing this cos i like him... but if he dun even like me abit, well y should i even continue to do errands fer him.. sigh... am i really a dog.... i just wish he would treat me better... but i guess if he really doesnt have feelings fer me, den theres nothing i can say... just that im such a loser.... sigh....

i really need to watch my weight... my tummy too.... sigh.... the only thing im looking forward to is my off day tomorrow.... finally gettin my well deserved rest... and i would like to congratulate myself fer being an excellent waitress fer being so helpful at mrs teo's table and an accurate order-taker fer that long table fer 14... heee heeee im sooo proud of myself....

thats it fer tonight.... ciao....

first of all, im sick... and i think im losing my voice.. my throat is all sore and stuff... arrgghh

secondly, i hope that i wont be losing this blog as well or this will be the 2nd one i lose.. and it especially hurts when i've written alot!!

fer today im just gonna make it brief.. cos there aint much to talk abt anw..

1) i really miss kennedy.. he's the one that im closest to at the restaurant... i simply love being with him... and he really treats me like a princess sometimes... heee...

2) ben n owen are fantasizing abt my boobs n butt... sheesh....

3) ah ho is shoooo cute... and sweet... heeee....

4) yaz's wife better not come down n hammer me.... n y do i get the feelin that it's hui ping who told her....

5) cant wait fer werk tmr.... only thing im not looking forward to is alan..... haiz.... i hope i dun hafta go home wif him tmr..... i will leave at 10 on the dot.... if not 10.30......

shucks..

i lost the previous blog that i edited.. agn.. i'm so lousy at this..

have gotten back in contact wif khai.. but only thru email cos his line has been suspended.. it seems he really has lotsa money-related probs.. with a bike and all.. but im so glad to be able to know wads gg on in his life agn.. he's always been a fren that i could count on.. and somehow he sees me as a treasure that every guy has on his list.. well im not too sure abt that cos you know how it is with guys these days.. the first and last thing on their mind is sex.. and im not that kind of girl.. kissing n hugging is blissful enuf fer me.. and as fer the wild thingy, i think i've gotten it under control.. i dun really smoke except that rite now im feeling super stressed cos im feeling sad agn so i really need one.. well in fact, i need someone and many are willing to take that place but being the stubborn fussy person that i am, i dun want just anyone to do that.. i dun drink unless they do house drinks fer me.. and i dun club cos it's too troublesome fer me.. maybe as i get older i may wanna club agn.. but not now.. the only problem left is to resist submittin to temptations.. like wad i did with the shorty.. i shouldnt haf done it but i did.. well maybe there was a lil pressure there.. thank gawd nothing of the sm sort happened agn..

morning..

i mean, gd afternoon..

i kinda just woke up.. didnt haf to go to work today so there.. am so bloody hungry..

things to do today:
1) clear up my stuff. b4 the ma pulls a ww4.
2) iron my work clothes fer tmr TODAY.
3) burn cds fer maya & papa.
4) get a haircut?? hmm. my only phobia of gettin a haircut is coming out lookin more like a fool than b4.
5) dye my hair?? the delicious chocolate thingy looks so gd..
6) wear mask.
7) try watching dvd agn.

will update this entry tonite on whether i've completed my task.

later dudez..