i dunno what to say to anyone anymore. i'm frigging fucked up, pissed off, evrything!!! i really wanna cry. and i really wanna quit my job. i just wanna lose myself. baaahhh.

theres so much that i wanna say but words will never be able to describe the way im feeling. and the worst thing is, it's all welled up inside me. and i cant talk to anyone about it. and i mean it. haiz.

my life is like down in the dumps. i am convinced that i dun wanna work anymore. i'm so broke. i didnt get into uni. i dun haf a bf. i've lost everything. EVERYTHING. maybe im being a lil exaggerated here but thats just how i feel. im soooo bloody confused. i wanna cry but yet all i can do is just scream. i'm just crying inside.

im just gonna stop here and cry my heart out. goodnite.

nothing's right fer me anymore. just when i thought my life is finally going smoothly, im back to square one agn. it's really tiring. i've already got the load of work on my shoulders. i don't need nonsense from stupid, insensitive guys. im not gonna go into details cos im really not in the mood. all i know is that im tired of u men out there. make up ur minds, will ya. n oh yea, pls think before u say what u say yea. save us all the trouble. im feeling so fucked up. n tired. damn it.

yo yo wads up wads upppppppp

hehe im in a good mood, ain't i?

haha. well the past few days have been pretty interesting. hence i had no time to even blog heehee.

anw, i went clubbin at jams planet paradigm!!! but of cos, my frens were late as usual, with me ending up to queue the neverending queue all by myself, looking like a complete doof. thank gawd they finally appeared but i ended up queuing even longer when i joined them at the back of the queue. and u know what? one of the marshalls was gus, this guy who used to work at the archery centre at marina. guess when it closed down, he became a marshall. but a waste of talent. he was in fact a very sharp shooter. oh well, you do what you gotta do to make ends meet aye. anywaay.. the moment we entered we went straight to the dancefloor. thank gawd that i didnt hafta to play stupid games like i did in zouk and listen to lousy music. chinese dun know how to have fun haha. well we all were dancing and not long later this guy asked fer a dance and so i just agreed cos i thought thats how it goes rite. haha well not really. to my frens, it seemed to them that i was like too excited cos i agreed to everyone who asked me to dance. lesson learned haha. cos the first guy was grabbing me and was acting oh-so-flirty that he even kissed me on the cheek. and then the second guy looked so stoned that i got scared. besides he wasnt even cute i didnt know why i even agreed to dance with him in the first place. thank gawd i didnt stay long with him cos not long later i saw him dancing so intimately with this fat gal and they were like, kissing!! eww. haha. and the third guy was just plainly grabbin me and asking fer my no. and stuff. men!! and amidst all this, i saw someone who looked like aliff, meaning cute like aliff haha, and guess wad? he smiled at me!! heeee i was meltttttinnnngggg.. haha.. so when us girls, oops  i mean, ladies were like jiving to the music, we were like surrounded by the guys but none asked to dance with us or anything.. i was nearly bored to death with an aching hip cos i havent danced fer so long and to suddenly dance fer a whole hour straight kinda ached a lil. and then suddenly this guy tapped me and pointed me to..... guess who? the aliff-lookalike standing there all macho. and fer a moment there, as i recall it now, i think time stood still cos i can only see him so clearly and the rest was like a blur to me. and so i danced with him!!!oh gawd!! it was simply a dream come true... i cant believe that he would even wanna dance with me when theres so many hot sexy mamas around. aaarrhhh!!! heheheheh. and so we danced a few songs together and he was like very gentle. a complete gentlemen. he didnt try to grab me. he only at most held my waist a lil. and if he didnt like me, he wouldnt have asked fer my no. rite?? hehee. and so i gave it to him. cos i like him too. heeeheeee. and so that was my first real nite of clubbing... and i cant wait to go again!!!

the day after i spent it with nis and kin at nis' house. slumber party. heehee. i missed my gurlies. and tho im not exactly close to them as they are to each other, im glad they still treat me as a fren and invite me and stuff...

rauf is at paradigm at the moment.. ohh wait, it's closed already by now so i guess he's hanging around somewhere. is there something blooming here??? i wonder...

till next time..

check out my new layout. looks like i'm going goth. paahh.

well all i know is that i'm all dark inside. there's no hope for me. all i wanna do is now to enjoy life like never before. i don't wanna miss this while i'm still young. i wanna be able to achieve something before i turn 20 so i can tell my younger generation what i've been up to as a teenager rite up to young adulthood, which is supposedly the best times of our lives. and hopefully, they will be able to learn a thing or two from me.

i still have faith. i am still aware of my religion. i am not yet astray. just not very deeply involved. but i can assure you, i will still turn back to GOD if i need to have faith in something. all the drinking and involvements are purely a mixed up emotional me. which i now have learned to control it better. forgive me GOD, if i have wronged.

i need to have a lifestyle. i need to have some fun to forget all the crap that i've gone through. so i've lined up a list of activities that i wanna do. clubbing is one. and as well as the black eyed peas gig. these are things that i rarely do. and thus i've been missing alot of fun. i'm not referring to drugs, smoking and booze. i'm plainly referring to good music, good pals and loads of fun. that's all. i'm still as pure and innocent as before.

as for the men in my life, who needs ya. i've got my girlfriends.

come on, lets rawk.

haw haw haw....

a whilrwind of emotions just surged through my veins....

my love life is sooo not happening. and when i mean love life, i do not, i repeat, i DO NOT refer to sex. i'm simply referring to having someone there to lean on, to trust, to be yourself, plainly put to love. and that is something that is missing in my life. i'm not sure if it's gonna be something tat completes me but i know that i need it in my life to survive. which is why now i'm an absolutely wreck. i have no control over my emotions. i can't decide what i want. well i know what i want exactly but does he exist even? i mean, sure i wanna dream but i want it to come true at the same time. i don't just wanna dream about it. i wanna make something outta it. but how?? hmm..

everytime i see pictures of couples i know cuddling in each others' arms, i'm like... lost fer words.. all i could was wonder when will that be me. i used to do that. but not anymore. i can't find the rite person for it. why. and when i had a person, things had to go so wrong. why. and now i'm getting myself used. why. it's not prostitution nor am i having a one nite stand. just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. and me succumbin to satisfy my needs and desires. but then agn, is this the time to be doing that? is this worth doing even? oh how i wish i have someone to call mine that i won't have so much of a guilty conscience.

and rite now i can safely say i have absolutely zero man(men?) in my life. no one to love. no one to look at. no one to look forward to seeing. only to gorge my eyes out at caucasians hunks who pass by me but never give me a second look. only to cry my heart out.

why. why. why.

why is this happening to me.

why am i even questioning this when i know i'm never gonna get an answer.

is this the path to an even better future where i'll look back and say, eat your heart out! ?

or is this the beginning to a dark and lonely journey of singlehood.

why am i even thinking about this at 19 agn.

someone pls console me.

i'm gonna take this opportunity to blog before i start watching my american idol video and the prince and me vcd. though i'm not sure how long i'm gonna last cos my eyes already feel like shutting now. hmm just when i wanna blog, fauzi just came up to talk. arghhh. so troublesome to keep switching windows.

anw, work is fine. though i really miss kennedy a whole lot. haven't been hanging around much with him cos he's not around much anymore. i'm confused with the way everyone is treating me. ben, ah hao, owen, kennedy. as fer guo wei, enuf said, that guy hates me to the core. but he still knows how to take advantage of when i'm not sober. damn bloody fucker. i hate you, i hate you, i hate you.

arrgghh..

a jolly good day has to end in heartache. my day had been absolutely fine till the minute i came home. 1st, zack was bugging me about his stoopid disc. and then there's this nobody who said i'm not hot at all. i mean, come on, what's his problem. who is he to say i'm hot or not. just because i want caucasians as a lifetime partner. nothing wrong with that. he's not missing anything so what the fuck is his problem. arrgghh i hate stupid mats. freaks n lamers. fashionable pe posing with bacardi bottle. euurggh. if he continues to bother me, he better watch out. i'll make sure i'll break his face. gosh, i'm sounding like nick. which brings me to my next point. i've officially broken off with nickharris once and for all. no connections whatsoever. only thing i'm hoping is that it stays that way cos i don't wanna go through it all over again. he was being childish and all accusing this afternoon so after he hung up on me, i decided that i really couldn't take it anymore. i don't know why i didn't do this earlier though cos it's actually very simple. i simply msg him saying that i'm tired of his nonsense and he can go fuck off and don't come back. and guess what? he didn't respond. at all. think he really got the idea already. cos usually he will reply me with a "whatever". so arrgghh fuck care. cos i don't care anymore.

ohh n guess what?? i finally got my haircut!! at this salon nearby called xtrim. really nicely decorated. but the service is super slow though. but i guess they are looking into everthing. although i didn't exactly get the look i wanted, but it's something close to it and besides, i think i look pretty fab, if i do say so myself.. haha.. thank gawd this wasn't a mistake. now that the hair is done, i can start focusing on my expenses fer the month and pray very hard that i won't go bankrupt again.

anyway, i'm dead hungry and there's pretty much nothing for me to eat. arrgghhh.. i hate it when this happens.. now i hafta make myself something.. oh well gotta go make myself something then... tata

wad a day.. 104 covers.. worked non-stop fer 4 hrs straight with hardly any breaks in between.. the good thing is that i don't have to carry heavy load but the bad thin is i have to run here and there, to and fro. even with my upset stomach. urggh. but overall it was fun and very satisfying. i even got to see fireworks!! think it was my first time to view them at such close range. simply magical, i tell you. i love them but i get jumpy at all the noise it makes haha.

i need to get a haircut. tomorrow i'm gonna go. period.

kennedy was really nice to me today. helped me to carry lotsa stuff. and i helped him to get the food out too. ahh. that's better. maya is still as slow as ever. buck up, girl.

other than that, i've got nothing more to say. except that i'm driving myself silly by taking pictures of myself in the dark and only light coming from the computer. nothing to do, i must say. though i would like to watch that dvd we just got. oh yea, and hopefully i'll be able to watch the passion of the christ with andrew sometime next week. who better to watch it with than the holy man himself. he's good man, all in all. really hope he gets the job, though i can't exactly remember the title fer it.

oh yea, i'm like reeaaallllyyyy broke. but i still wanna get those tops. and the jeans too. ohhh damn how do i do this now.

ohhh yea, i almost fergot. i absentmindedly went to redbloodedwoman.blogspot.com when i should have gone to blogdrive instead. surprise, surprise i went to another girl's blog. haha...

thats it fer nowwwwwwwwww... im so in a good mood, i wonder why. *winks*

arrghhh. oh, good morning to you too..

yes!!!!! finally got the picture of the babies uploaded!! woohoo!!! aren't they adorable?? aaaaahh can't take it!!! i go crazy over babies. especially those that look like these 3... awww... makes me wanna give birth early so i can take care of them and be filled with joy.. haha i know i'm starting to crap. but that's wad i feel... but i'm not in a rush.. the moment can wait.. and when it comes, it will be the most perfect moment of my life..

now i'm all excited to edit my profile and side section.. haha..

anw.. i had a really hard time at work today.. hard time meaning it's heavy load.. cos there weren't enough guys around so i ended up carrying the heavy stuff to and fro. and thus, my arms hands wrists fingers and all really feel as if they are gonna break any moment. it really hurts. gotta find that cream i got from the docs and actually start using it. oh good golly. i just circled my wrist and realised that my left hurts more than before and my right has a vein pulled as well and the pain stretches to near my elbow. damn i'm really gonna be in big trouble if i don't do something about it.

more than half of my pay goes to my mum and now i barely have enough to get wad i want. haiz. i dunno how is this gonna work. really i don't. with so many events coming up this may. it's really gonna be hard. i dun wanna be down to my last 6bucks again. that is like so farking stupid you know that. but i can't help it. haiiizzzz.

i dunno how things between me and kennedy are gonna be. i dunno what to do even. we are not as close as before, thats for sure. i kinda miss the old days. haizz.

nick is back. again. i wonder how long is this gonna go on. him disappearing, him returning and us not meeting. am i wasting my time over here?

i need to jazz up my life. i really do. and first things first; get a fab haircut. then we'll talk.